The Way Things Are Going: The Healing Caregiver (part 1)
The Way Things Are Going comprise a series of writings I’ve been working on for a while. It originally grew out of personal reflections and journaling from my therapy work with children, adolescents, and families. Over the years, I have worked as a mental health therapist in a variety of settings, and before that: a nanny, a yoga instructor, an administrator and artist. Through navigating the different levels of mental health systems and working with so many different people, I developed a clear vision of the reciprocal ways in which environments impact a child and family—as well as the ways a child and their family deeply effect each other. (For marriage and family therapists, I guess this is a systems perspective.) I’m seeing connections, patterns, and generational themes emerge across peoples and places. Many families I have worked with share similar issues, concerns, dynamics, experiences and frustrations, yet often are feeling alone and at a loss about how to parent. This is why I’m so passionate about supporting the parent/caregiver(s). Sometimes, the best way for me to help a child is through making changes at the caregiver level.
I have intentionally chosen to use the word caregiver (and will continue in future posts), rather than parent, because I want to acknowledge the complexity of the role of parent and the various ways in which adults have caring relationships with children. It is possible, and very common, for any adult who has a child in their life to heal their own inner child both through their role as a caregiver and the relationship with the child. I hope to support caregivers in feeling understood, while also compassionately challenging them to break unhelpful patterns and heal.
While it’s inevitable that often the role of being caregiver is healing, I think it’s often at a disservice to the child. Being the parent you needed as a child, does not mean that is the type of parent your child needs you to be now. All children require the adult(s) to become the caregiver(s) they need. Children often express their needs with little/no awareness or words to say what exactly that might be. It’s difficult. It’s triggering. It’s not work you have to do alone, even if you’re doing much of the labor of caregiving alone. Having your own support system, therapist, group will only help you be a more patient and emotionally available person for your family.
A simplified understanding of being a caregiver describes the ongoing discovery of identifying the child’s needs and adjusting to provide them the care they deserve (even if it’s not the care you received yourself in life). It is ideal for the caregivers reading this to make connections between their own histories and the family they are creating. For many caregivers, it can be easier to say a child “has issues” than to admit “I am having issues parenting” a child. For many caregivers, it can be easier to say “my child suffers” instead of “I’m suffering” or “I suffered as a child”. It should be understood that the experiences of being parented impact how care is provided to others and extends to all relationships (including the relationship with oneself).
Reflection Questions:
How did you learn to be a parent/caregiver?
How are things going in your home? With the relationships in your life?
When was the last time you spent time thinking about what would make you feel joy or peace?
Imagine a future where the challenges that exist now are happening less often and you are able to cope better with the challenges that arise. How will you know what “better” has arrived? What will be different? Be willing to identify specifics in behaviors or dynamics, dive deeper than feelings-based results, and be cautious of seeking happiness as a destination.
The way things are going may include the past, the present, the things that are working well in your home, the good times, the in-between times, surviving the day to day, the times that are a real struggle, and the things that absolutely need to change. Making change happen and deviating from the path you are on currently is not an easy task. It’s important to cultivate motivation by considering what is at stake if change does not occur. Is your happiness at risk if things stay as they are? Is your bong with your child (or partner) at risk? Remember, the alternative to change is that things will continue as they are now and the feelings about the way things are going are likely to continue growing. Maybe it’s okay for things to continue as they are now, maybe it’s not. Your feelings and reflections while digesting this post is a snapshot of how are thing are going at this moment in time. Write it down, save it for review at a later time.
Practicing self-compassion for where you are at in this very moment can include:
mindfully noticing what you feel by labeling emotions and sensations in the body
acknowledging the community humanity that there are likely other caregivers who feel what you feel
creating a message of self-kindness or encouragement to yourself.
The content I’ll be sharing more about in future posts within this series is intended to be both empowering and thought provoking for caregivers. At times, moving through this blog series may feel heavy. I’m hoping for caregivers to examine their part in the caregiving relationship, in order to make positive changes in the family and to provide themselves with healing knowledge. I hope this blog helps you say something compassionate when reflecting on your journey.
*Disclaimer: My posts here are not intended to be a replacement for individual psychotherapy; the content is my opinion based on my life experiences and education; and, the content is not going to be ‘a one-size fits all’ model. If you are suffering, please reach out to your supports, seek out a therapist of your own, and contact crisis lines like 988 if needed.
