The Way Things Are Going (Part 2): WE WERE ALL ONCE A CHILD

Being a caregiver is arguably the most important and impactful job on Earth. To be a caregiver means to unconditionally provide for the needs of another. Caregivers are literally shaping the future of humanity. This act of love and labor is twenty four hours a day over a lifetime. It is also difficult, emotional, painful, time-consuming, triggering, and unpaid. Imagine that both of these depictions of caregiving are true. Practicing self-compassion for the role of caregiving is so essential.

Some ways self-compassion might sound:

“I’ve given so much and received so much.”

“I trust that I’ll continue to grow in this life and with this family.”

“It’s okay that I get it wrong sometimes. The times I get it right feel good, too.”

Kristin Neff has a specific mindfulness practice just for caregivers here and here.

Becoming a caregiver often allows people to revisit their own experiences of being a child, both good and bad. Intergenerational trauma describes the process of how an individual's or families' experience of trauma can transcend time, impacting future generations (biologically and emotionally) and relationships. Attachment theory suggests that early relationships with caregiver(s) teach a child about what is safe and unsafe about the world. This learning impacts future relationships and the ability to self-regulate emotions. Both of these frameworks and theories are important to be aware of when being in the role of caregiver and human. It is likely that you have experienced life events that have fundamentally changed you, for better or worse.

Sometimes caregivers are unaware of their own wounds, until they are in the role of caregiver and experience this role fully. One of the most beautiful parts about being a caregiver is the ability to heal yourself through being the type of caregiver you, yourself needed as a child. Please know it is never too late to heal. It is never too late to ask for help, seek support, start therapy, learn new skills or create change. 

Becoming the type of caregiver you needed in your own childhood, while fulfilling to you, does not mean that this is the type of caregiver your child needs you to be. This can be a painful realization when not aligned. To become the caregiver your child needs is the most caring act a caregiver can aim to do and requires the ability to be flexible to change and growth.

All humans sometimes feel the need to be in control, or rather have the perception of control. Children and caregivers sometimes struggle between a child’s need to feel in control and an adult balancing all that adults carry. When a child feels a need to be in control, know that this is OK and not wrong, especially when considering how much of a child’s life is really outside of their own control. A child who seeks control needs to be shown appropriate and healthy ways to have control. A child who seeks control may be doing this due to family roles, development, life transitions, mental health, and trauma. It's important to consider the function of their behavior and that behavior is a way of getting their needs met. What are they achieving (or not achieving) from their actions? How could the child get what they need in a more appropriate or healthy way? 

It is expected to see connections 

with your child’s emotions and behaviors, 

and your own.

Reframing a description of a child from one that is stubborn to one that is trying to get needs met is a more accurate and positive way of considering a child's behaviors and intention. It is not helpful to label a child as crazy, disrespectful, entitled, lazy, mean, manipulative, ungrateful, etc. If this need to label is coming up for you as a caregiver, try to explore the trigger (cause of stress) and judgment (what the trigger event personally meant to you and how it was received by you), as this may help uncover ways of thinking for you to work on in order to heal your own wounds. 

Cognitive distortions, or thinking errors, describe ways of thinking about yourself, others, and the world, which are generally oriented in the negative and may be inaccurate or unhelpful. Distortions are known for impacting a person’s physiological responses to stressors and overall emotional wellness. In my experience, most people can identify at least a few distortions in themselves, and people have cognitive distortions for a reason. The wounds you carry as a human and caregiver are also wounds other people carry. Being a human and caregiver with wounds to heal, means that there are likely moments when your wounds impact your ability to parent effectively and can sometimes lead to (re)-producing harmful experiences for a child. Acknowledging your own part in the relationship is crucial to making intergenerational change in your family. Prioritizing your own healing is the best thing you can do for your child.

A child's intention is to get their needs met,

 however they can. 

Their intention is most likely not 

to make your life harder or hurt you. 

It is the caregiver’s job 

to teach and help the child arrive 

at the many healthy ways to get their needs met 

and to re-shape maladaptive behaviors.

If you take away negative assumptions (about yourself or about your child) and remember the mindset of a child, you may begin to feel less triggered. It is unfair to position the child to the expectations of an adult's cognitive abilities. The brain of a child is still developing and every interaction is an opportunity for learning. Assume positive, assume with lightness.

Call for Reflection & Call to Action

Try to recall and remember what it is like to be a child. You already have this innate wisdom within you. You were a child once yourself. You may recall what it was like to feel powerless or to feel parented.

How can you act with this “I was once a child, too" mindset?

How can you give (act) yourself more compassion for your growing edges (parts that you are still working on)?

There’s a few more parts to this series that I look forward to sharing. The Way Things Are Going series is intended to be both empowering and thought provoking for caregivers. At times, moving through this blog series may feel heavy. I’m hoping for caregivers to examine their part in the caregiving relationship, in order to make positive changes in the family and to provide themselves with healing knowledge. I hope this blog helps you say something compassionate when reflecting on your journey.

*Disclaimer: My posts here are not intended to be a replacement for individual psychotherapy; the content is my opinion based on my life experiences and education; and, the content is not going to be ‘a one-size fits all’ model. If you are suffering, please reach out to your supports, seek out a therapist of your own, and contact crisis lines like 988 if needed.