The Way Things Are Going (Part 3): All Children Deserve Respect
All children deserve respect.
When respect is not provided, it is abusive.
Children are considered one of the most vulnerable populations in the world. Children have to be reliant on systems to regulate their basic human rights. Meaning, when a parent or caregiver is not able to provide basic human rights for a child, that the child is reliant on systems to notice and intervene (school, providers, department of human services, mandated reporters, etc). Children are generally not aware that their basic human rights are not being met.
It is no longer enough to provide the physical requirements of raising a human. Emotionally maturity is needed. Giving a place to sleep, food to eat, clothes to wear is not adequate parenting. Children need parents who are able to apologize, who actively cope with their own emotions, and model conflict resolution healthily on a regular basis.
Often adult caregivers feel they do not have to give a child an explanation, choice, praise, or use respectful language because of their own experiences growing up. To this adult caregiver, I ask you to explore your feelings and beliefs about how you grew up, the relationship with your parents now, the experience of being parented as a child, and the impact of your childhood has had on you as an adult. Are your childhood experiences ones you want to recreate? Are things as they are now, working for you, your family, and your child?
Perhaps you are the rare adult who had a pleasant experience in childhood and are now having challenges with raising your child. Or perhaps you are parenting another child already and are having challenges in parenting one. In this case, know that every child is different. Sometimes, caregivers have to learn specific parenting skills to match a particular child. It is not your fault (or theirs) and there are things you can do about it.
Respecting a child requires an abundance of patience, approaching issues with curiosity instead of judgment, supporting a child’s curiosity or confusion, accepting and assisting in self-discovery of boundaries by observing discomfort, offering opportunities for empowerment through choice, protecting the child from your own emotions, letting natural consequences play out, modeling appropriate boundaries, and listening rather than“fixing”.
When children feel listened to and understood, they learn their emotions are "normal" and in turn are able to validate their own experiences in the world. Growing up in a validating environment creates an adult who is more skilled at self-regulating emotions. A child can be shown respect by the caregiver through an energy of lightness in the caregiver, awareness of affect, body language, choice, humor, modeling emotional regulation skills, tone, and use of language.
The result of not learning to self-regulate emotions
in childhood and adolescence is the formation
of an adult who is emotionally reactive (or distant),
has difficulty in relationships,
feels disconnected toward themself,
and practices unhealthy coping skills to survive.
If you are the caregiver reading this thinking, "That's me!" know you are not alone, and that individual therapy will be beneficial. At the very least, engage in self-care practices, move your body, read up on emotion regulation skills, and foster your own support system. It is not your fault and you have the power to do something to help yourself grow and your family thrive. You will be better able to be the caregiver you want to be, and that your family deserves if you, yourself, are regulated.
*Disclaimer: My posts here are not intended to be a replacement for individual psychotherapy; the content is my opinion based on my life experiences and education; and, the content is not going to be ‘a one-size fits all’ model. If you are suffering, please reach out to your supports, seek out a therapist of your own, and contact crisis lines like 988 if needed.
