What If It All Work Out: Anxiety & Common Humanity
This week, I’m saying more on anxiety, “what if-” thoughts, and accessing compassion through common humanity.
Anxiety can be about both past and future. Something happened in the past that you didn’t like and have difficulty accepting, so you think about it additionally and worry about it (more to say about this in future posts). Anxiety can also be future oriented focusing on hypothetical happenings and possible outcomes of life events experiences. Some of the most common forms of anxiety are felt though body sensations and “What if-” thoughts.
Anxiety can appear as doubt, excessive worry, digestive issues, feeling keyed-up or on-edge, irritability, muscle tension, restlessness, uneasiness, rumination, stress, and more. Body sensations would include somatic experiences of anxiety such as cold/hot, heaviness, pain, sweating, tightness, tingling, etc. Experiencing anxiety is one of the most common experiences across identities. No one is immune to worry! It’s human nature to experience anxiety.
The brain associates survival with the ability to predict danger, so naturally the brain looks for areas to worry about to feel more safe. The irony is not lost. Why doesn’t the brain consider all the times in life when you’ve already coped with difficulty? Or that time when things did go unplanned and ended up somehow being okay? Some brains worry more than others and for a variety of reasons such as biology, environment, genetics, trauma history, etc. These factors can be the difference between just a worry and an anxiety disorder. Thoughts that start with “What if-” and end in a negative or undesired outcome are typical of anxiety. For some people, anxiety starts with physical discomfort or unease. Sensations and thoughts can make the brain believe it’s in danger, which is why anxiety feels so scary, even when it’s about hypothetical situations. Humans are hard-wired to desire certainty and predictability to feel safe in the world. But this doesn’t mean every worry thought or “what if-” is worth our time or is reason enough to take action.
Some people experience more anxiety than others and not all anxiety is bad. Anxiety can motivate us to make moves and attend to necessary things in life. When it becomes a problem is different for everyone, but generally if it’s getting in the way of achieving goals, bodily consequences, is out of balance to other emotions, is affecting others, or sleep. Biology, environment, and trauma experiences can be factors in the existence and persistence of anxiety. From a trauma informed perspective, it’s important to consider a person’s lived experiences and self-beliefs as sometimes a reason why anxiety persists, even when there is no present danger. If big T or little t’s have been a consistent part of a person’s life, hyper-vigilance may have at one point been needed to survive. Anxiety experts suggest that by reacting to anxiety as if it is real danger, we inadvertently are reinforcing the brain to be reactive which strengthens anxiety.
The practice of self-compassion is correlated with a reduction in symptoms like anxiety, rumination, and depression (Warren et al., 2016). One of the three tenets of self-compassion that Kristin Neff and Christian Germer identified is common humanity. Common humanity is the understanding that pain is universal and acknowledging this can be regulating (make us feel safe again). Pain is the root of hard experiences and difficult emotions: anxiety is pain, deep empathy is pain, grief is pain, stress is pain, unmet expectations is pain, “What If-” thoughts are pain, etc. We can learn to be more compassionate to ourselves and others through acknowledging shared experiences. This isn’t to say pain experiences should be compared or universalized, as this would neglect the very real pain certain communities face more than others. While everyone’s experience of pain is unique and not comparable, the experience of having pain is shared. The brain associates safety with a sense of belonging. When we can acknowledge that others share in our pain, we tend to feel less threatened by the pain. The common humanity of anxiety excites me as a therapist, but also as a person also living with generalized anxiety. The things you tend to worry about are most likely worries shared by others, too. This is why OCD has several identified themes and why core fears often boil down to similar points (I’ll blog more on this in the future, too).
How can you determine whether worry is worth your time or deserves action? Why might anxiety be showing up? When do you know when to respond to and when to sit with it? It depends! In general, ask yourself if the topic or urge to take action is rooted in fear or values. For many people, anxiety shows up around the things we value, but is driven from fear of experiencing something unexpected or an outcome that is less than ideal.
There are many ways to manage and cope with anxiety. There’s not one way that works best for everyone and I encourage people to be open when practicing new ways of thinking and being to find what works for you. Personally, I’ve gained so much from self-compassion work and have seen first hand in my practice how powerful this can be for others. Self-compassion has been shown to increase therapy efficacies across modalities (Wetterneck et al., 2013).
Next time anxiety or “what if-” thoughts show up, try one of the practices below. There’s a selection of ideas here that I often use myself to cope and that I bring into my therapy practice:
Accepting the uncertainty that comes with life. Accepting does not mean liking it.
Allowing thoughts to be there and for time to pass. This can be the hardest and most important skill with with anxiety and OCD management!
Checking in on vulnerability factors. Marsha Linehan’s DBT skills offer the idea that there are a variety of factors that contribute to us being more vulnerable to intense emotions. Checking in on things like new or ongoing conflict in relationships, body needs, food, physical pain, sleep, stress, etc. This might help explain why anxiety is more intense at certain times.
Externalizing worry thoughts through a character or object. I chose “Veronica” for my anxiety. Here’s how I use it: “Oh, Veronica is showing up today! Thanks Veronica, appreciate the doom-and-gloom vibes!” By distancing my core self from my thoughts I’m able to take things more lightly. There are lots of other examples of applying this method in the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy world.
Labeling: Identifying worry thoughts and worry sensations as exactly that!
Mindfulness: Focus on what is actually happening in the present moment, rather than all the future possibilities.
Reframe: Consider other alternatives to the What-if including some neutral or even positives. Like “What if nothing goes wrong at all?” or “What if something amazing happens?” or “What if something doesn’t go exactly like I planned, but it’s actually okay.”
Self-compassion with common humanity: Think of others who might have experienced this situation as well. You are not alone here. Saying a message to yourself about this experience being one that is shared, rather than one that only you are coping with. What might you say if someone you care about was experiencing this same thing? Direct this toward yourself. Can you validate that your anxiety feelings are difficult? This is different than validating anxiety itself.
Hope this read helps you possibly understand yourself and others more. Above all, I hope this post helps you say something different in the presence of anxiety and “What-if” thoughts. Thanks for reading!
-Sarah
*Disclaimer: My posts here are not intended to be a replacement for individual psychotherapy; the content is my opinion based on my life experiences and education; and, the content is not going to be ‘a one-size fits all’ model. If you are suffering, please reach out to your supports, seek out a therapist of your own, and contact crisis lines like 988 if needed.
